I lost the best relationship of my life, my family's respect, my grandpa, the dog I grew up with, most of my friends, the ability to talk to my remaining friends online, and a computer which had a rather special story behind it.
In six weeks, my childhood will officially come to an end. These changes are all incredibly tough for me to deal with right now. Mix that in with manic depression, social anxiety, OCD and cutting and as you can see, my life is far from tolerable.
Everything that I loved, everything that mattered to me last year is no longer in my life. I can't just start over, everything takes time. More time than I have the patience for these days.
It takes stability and solitary strength that I lost in August.
It takes faith and motivation that I lost in December.
It takes pride and self-worth that I lost in January.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
This year has been absolute shit so far. Last June I did what is known as a "halfway" or six month evaluation. It sure won't hurt to give it another try this time. Like I said many times before, to know where you're headed you need to reflect on where you've been...
Here's where I stand.
January 2003: New Year's Eve was spent at my grandma's. I had a terrible time and went to bed shortly after midnight. I had briefly spoken to Bridget and had wondered why we hadn't spent any holidays together. She kept saying she was busy, had plans w/family, etc. By the end of the first week, I knew she was beginning to drift further away from me. Our last memorable day as a couple had been on December 26th, three days before I had predicted a terrible fate for myself.
Something was indeed ending, but I'd have never guessed it would be my relationship. I thought for sure the only thing that would part us would be my death. That's how certain I was that our love was nearly indestructable. I couldn't have been further from the truth. Bridget did end up killing me on January 18th, a full moon, with a girl she had met online by the name of Taylor. Because she had gone out of her way to sneak out late at night on the coldest night of the year to meet this girl at the park was enough to break my heart.
Bridget never did anything like that for me, and I doubt she ever would have. The fact that she and Taylor flirted all night, kissed and had a few intimate encounters while we were still dating was more than I could deal with.
There were a few unusual occurences in the first and second weeks of January that foreshadowed what was to come. Bridget decided to pierce her belly button at random during the first week. By the second week, I had pierced my own eyebrow under her influence. After three hours of struggling with a dull sewing needle, I went online, took some pictures and strangely enough, held my first conversation with Taylor on aim.
Apparently she had seen my profile on planetout and found me attractive. At first I didn't tell her that I already knew about her, let alone had her screename stored on my account. I led her on for a few minutes until she asked if I was taken. When I mentioned Bridget she was shocked. To make a long story short, I warn Taylor not to do anything to jeapordize my relationship...but of course she does anyway.
On January 24th, Bridget breaks up with me in the most shallow way - through an email. Six months of the best love I had ever known...wasted. I must have cried incessantly for two weeks.
I was broken into more pieces than I thought I had.
I knew she and Taylor had been up to no good
ever since I first heard about the girl.
I even warned Bridget about this happening two
months before it actually did. She never listened.
She kept assuring me that nothing was going to happen with Taylor. I heard the same story from both girls. I should have never trusted them. If only I had left a message for Bridget's mom that night when she snuck out. I was about to, but this was before Bridget broke up with me. I still had that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. To make matters worse, I had been kicked out of my own home and had to stay with my grandma for six weeks until the investigation on my mom was closed. Joe called the cops on her for neglect which only complicated my life more. I even went to the hospital and begged them to admit me to the psych ward, but there was too long a wait and patience was something I had lost through all the mental anguish I endured in the last month.
The end of January leaves me broken, cut,
pierced and shattered into a million little
tiny pieces. I nearly died from the shock.
February 2003: I decide to take matters into my own hands regarding Bridget and Taylor. With a little deceptive work, I have them both right where I want them - under my thumb and out of each other's arms. The work proved successful, but the suspicion nearly nailed me. For Valentine's Day, (perhaps to give myself a "vacation" from a week of dirty work), I spend three days with long-time friend (and the first girl I ever had sex with), Stephanie "the otter."
My initial reason for spending the night at Steph's place was to make Bridget jealous. The first night was wonderful, no sex...but we were pretty close. In those three days, Steph and I smoked pot with Joe, drove up to Brooksville, helped her cousin settle a new apartment, got drunk, nearly got into a threesome, and wandered the roads at 3am to escape a rather disturbing sex act occuring back at her cousin's. It could have easily been the wildest three days of the year. Of course, I never did quite forget about Bridget. While at Steph's, I manage to call her up at 1am. I'm drunk out of my mind, crying like a baby, practically begging for her to give us another chance. February also results in moving back with my mom, but to earn my room back I have to move the ENTIRE apartment on my own. After fueling up on power drinks and veggie wings, I get it done. In four hours, I move an entire apartment by myself. The eyebrow piercing eventually migrates and I am left with a nasty scar.
By this time, Taylor and I had been talking for over a month. Each phone conversation is like a reunion of two long-lost friends. We begin to feel for each other. These emotions are acknowledged, but disregarded until midnight on April 1st. Read on.
March 2003: On the night of March 3rd (3/3/3=9), I have a strange nightmare.
AOL Instant Messenger is a physical realm. I'm sitting among my best friends, online, face-to-face, holding rather morbid conversations. Bridget appears out of nowhere with a sharp hunting knife, grabs me by the neck and slams me onto the ground. "Nothing personal baby, but this is what happens when you invade other's privacy." She slit my throat and left me bleeding to death on the ground as horrified friends stood around me motionless. Bridget took control of my account and blocked all my friends. They called for help, but it was too late. Immediately, I woke up with a knot in my throat... I stumbled into the living room at 3am where my mom lay on the couch sleeping. I threw up all over the floor and passed out shortly after. The next three days was spent with a nasty stomach virus, perhaps stress-related. I cried and threw up violently all week.
On March 9th, my grandpa died. The family manages to come closer together,
but only push me further away as the weeks pass.
Reality sinks in and I find myself at a low point.
Blinded by disillusionment, I continue to play
along until love once again returns to me.
April 2003: The night of March 31st begins with me being resentful as ever towards Taylor. The hostility is still there bottled up inside me after all this time. Bridget goes on to tell me that Taylor had attempted suicide by taking a bottle of pills. She had just gotten out of the psych ward and wasn't doing too well. I laugh and pretend I couldn't care less. Inside, I feel kind of guilty but continue to push the two traitors away, hoping to save my own sanity in the process.
Taylor and I end up talking that night, but instead of me making her feel worse than she already did, I softened up to her. We were beginning to fall in love. We held a good three hour conversation that night.
During that time, there was an unusual cold front that brought back winter weather for a few days. This enabled me to get a lot done with my computer and hold long conversations. After Bridget hears about Taylor and I, she freaks out. She begins to show some concern for me, acting as though she wanted me all to herself again. This behavior is just what I had been hoping to achieve all along, so I continue to feed the fire.
I figure that if Bridget knew she was losing me to someone she chose over me, her purpose for fucking up would be defeated and she'd learn a tough lesson from the experience. I wanted her to feel what I had when she broke my heart, but at the same time I wanted a sign that she still desired me. I was getting just what I wanted. Two decietful little girls pining over me for once and not the other way around.
During mid-April, Taylor isn't doing too well. She's contemplating suicide again and keeps making reference to an online diary she kept with last notes to people she cared for. After finding this, I call her up and ask why she wanted to die. She claims she had dishonored her family and "no longer has the strength to carry on." I desperately try talking her out of it, but it's no use. I call Bridget for some advice with Taylor on the other line. I ask her if I should call the cops, and she says if I still can't talk her out of suicide it's the only option I have as her friend. I call Taylor and ask her if she's still going to do it. She says yes, "don't worry about me, baby. You'll be fine." I couldn't let this happen. I told her I loved her and hung up. I immediately dialed 911 and explained the situation. At 11pm the cops arrive at Taylor's. She calls me up while they are outside talking to her parents and thanks me...she wasn't mad or anything...she just kept saying, "I love you, Tia" and "thank you."
I understand I saved her life that night. She had no one else to talk to at the time who she could trust. That was my purpose for learning to love Taylor. She was too good a person to die, and although she had hurt me there was no way I was going to allow her to carry through with ending her beautiful life.
Taylor and I spend atleast three weeks sweet-talking each other into a little love cloud almost every night. Bridget must have been steaming inside, and in a way...I felt kind of guilty.
Sweet revenge never tasted so bitter.
The drama continues, except now Taylor is feeling much better about her life. Bridget and I grow closer with time and eventually work things into a "friends with-benefits" relationship. No commitment, just lots of loving.
May 2003: Taylor drifts further away from me as her depression subsides. The dog I grew up with, Babi (14) was put to sleep because my grandma couldn't take her to live with my aunt. This was unnecessary and wrong, it broke my heart. Taylor's negligence left me sad and longing for more. In the meantime, I continue working to earn back Bridget's affection.
At the end of the month, my computer begins to show signs of terrible damage. I make frequent visits to the library as not to miss anything online. Taylor surprises me by showing up with her gf. This is where we meet. We drive over to Bridget's and I tell Taylor to hide behind a bush. I knock on the door, and Bridget is surprised enough to see me there at random. I tell her to close her eyes, that there was someone else here to see her...she was thrilled. It made my day to see her so happy. We have an awesome time back at my place, which I still consider to be the best night I've had this year.
A great deal of time this month was spent in the
company of my best friend Joe. He helped me
through the pain of lost love and was there for
me more than anyone else.
June 2003: Friends begin neglecting me, the computer's stability goes downhill fast with the summer heat and stress from projects. This has been a terrible month. Leading up to...now. Here I am. My computer is dead. Bridget is making new friends, not spending as much time with me as she used to. Joe is still irresponsible and immature. I haven't heard from Taylor in a month. Life is certainly...shit right now. But it will get better. It always does. It's a cycle. The way of my life. If I could have anything right now, anything to go right for me... I want to belong to Bridget again. I want to be her's entirely. No more games. I miss her, I need her so bad. There are nights I still cry for her. I know she's still young but...I'll wait for her. I love her that much.
Life without a computer is like a guitar without strings. I'm going absolutely crazy.
The majority of my friends are online. I have websites to manage, including a five-star rated Ani DiFranco fansite of three years (which gets approx. 490 hits a day) in addition to this journal, my art on VCL and deviantart, livejournal, blogspot, open diary, the Dark Realm, RazorWire Shrine (fansite), Angry cloud9, Knothole Village (fansite), the Link Archive, etc.
Obviously I can't live without the machine. I have a life here that's much, much nicer than the one I have offline. I get so much positive feedback from people I have never spoken to, requests, club invitations, magazine editors wanting to publish my art, other webmasters asking for permission to use my material and various orginazations crediting me on their own sites.
There's a life here for me that's just too damn good. I had to work so hard for all this, to lose it would be to lose a limb.
I fell in love here and took it offline. I made friends here and took them offline. I have a fucking title here that I can't take offline. This is the high point of my life, I can't lose it now! But then I remember the miracle that happened on Christmas three years back. Sure that is a once in a lifetime event, but I will pull through. If I have to scrape up every last dollar to repair this machine, that's just what I am prepared to do. If you know me, you know I'm a fighter. I don't give up easily. After all, I gave this computer ten months to straighten out, that's a pretty long time to wait on a machine. One day things will be different. I'll rediscover love, reinvent myself though art online and be the once happy tigress I was at the time I drew the icon for my deadjournal...that's how I felt last year. I wonder if I'll ever feel that good again...